Global Domination

Audio Autopsy - March 2013

01/03/13  ||  Global Domination

Grief Of Emerald: It all turns to ashes

6.2/10

Lord K: Some symphonic black metal can’t hurt, can it? GEM hands out a somewhat more fierce (and cheap) version of Dimmu Borgir and I’m a bit surprised of the apparent quality. I’m not blown-the-fuck-away, but nonetheless – good work. 7

Habakuk: I can listen to this for 30 minutes only to find out I haven’t remembered ANYTHING, except for “this is orchestral black/death.” This has been done a lot better a million times. 5

CadenZ: I can’t shake the feeling of how much better this album would be without the omnipresent synths. They’re probably supposed to bring depth and atmosphere, but the only thing they do is clog up the sound canvas and soften the abrasive roughness that is the rest of this gruff and malignant death metal disc. Two minus points for the keyboards, but still enjoyable. 6

BamaHammer: Really cool Borgir 2.0 black metal. I liked this a lot the first time I heard it, but after a few spins, I think it all turns to asses. 6

Sokaris: Muscular slightly symphonic black metal with croaked vocals and tons of tempo changes. A sort of general extreme metal cocktail with bits of God Dethroned, Naglfar, Stormlord, Graveworm and the like. Not mind-blowing but worth a spin or two. 7

Cult Of Luna: Vertikal

6.0/10

Lord K: I never understood the hype about these guys and they sound exactly as I expect them to though I haven’t heard them in fucken years. Bands like Cult Of Luna, Isis, Neurosis etc will always be far out of my attention span, no matter how much praise they get and no matter how “deep” their music is. I can’t fucken stand it. 3

Habakuk: I say we have at least two mentions of the word “pretentious” with this album. 7

CadenZ: Good, but didn’t quite grab me by the balls as hardly as my perversion requires for a massiveriffic boner. Even more introvert than expected, this needs about a million more spins to really open up all the way. 7

BamaHammer: This is the best Pelican album I’ve heard in a while. Also, it’s the best Neurosis album I’ve heard ever. 7

Sokaris: Generally I prefer my artsy metal to be more of the psychotic, Norwegian post-black type but I do like this. Kind of like a more “get to the goddamn point” version of Neurosis. 6

Devin Townsend Project: Epicloud

5.2/10

Lord K: I have yet to hear something by this guy that I actually enjoy. All the respect in the world for Devin’s work ethics and obvious talent, but damn – his music is giving me absolutely nothing. Never did, and obviously never will. And no, SYL was never any good either. 4

Habakuk: I acknowledge the guy is a skilled songwriter, but I don’t appreciate that poppy approach to metal at all. 4

CadenZ: The Devin hasn’t lost it, ‘cause The Devin doesn’t do that kind of stuff. Nevertheless, he lost the catchiness and seems to drive on fumes. Time to refill, Devo. 6

BamaHammer: A pretty typical Townsend record. I feel like this particular sound of his is growing a bit stale. But what the fuck do I know? I liked “Ghost”. 6

Sokaris: I don’t know if I could listen to a lot of this in one sitting. Super saccharine, happy-as-goddamn-shit, big, loud, proud uplifting metallic pop songs. I can appreciate it for its kitschy, metal musical approach but it just grates on me after awhile. 6

Koldbrann: Vertigo

5.2/10

Lord K: The horrendous production destroys 95% of the potential this black metal stew could have been able to serve up. I hate bad productions. 2

Habakuk: Is it me or is everything in this edition fucking boring? This is the black metal variant of that sound. 5

CadenZ: About as Norwegian as you can get, some rockin’ black metal in the vein of Khold and newer Satyricon. Nothing mindblowing but certainly pleasant while it’s on. 7

BamaHammer: The sad thing is that this could’ve been a really good album, but they decided to go with the actual snare drum from “St. Anger”, and that renders the entire album pretty much intolerable. 4

Sokaris: Despite sounding like the grimmest fucken breakfast cereal ever, Koldbrann is actually a pretty decent black metal act from the old country (Norway, dumbass). A nihilistic mix of evil atmosphere, ‘n roll tropes, clear but strong production and some mild experimentation. This beats the last Carpathian Forest at its own game. 8

Helloween: Straight out of hell

5.0/10

Lord K: I don’t care if it’s been 400 years since Kiske fucked off and started despising metal in general, Helloween will never be Helloween without him and Hansen in the band. Listening to this as something else, though, and you’re left with some decent music. 5

Habakuk: It seems like I have definitely grown out of this Germanic power metal thing for the most part. After a few tracks, this just asks to be turned off – but I see there might be fans who are pleased by what they hear on this. 6

CadenZ: Nice, Helloween start off the album by covering Cascada’s “Everytime We Touch”! What? Not a cover? Eh… OK… cough ripoff cough The rest is on the wrong side of Bore Mountain. 4

BamaHammer: This is the album I’ve been waiting for since “7 sinners”. It fails on many levels to live up to that level of greatness. I am disappoint. 6

Sokaris: I’m definitely smelling a bit of identity crisis. When Helloween tries to go heavy, they fail. When they try to go commercial, they fail. When they just say fuck it and go the cheesefest route, they do pretty well. 4

Bad Religion: True north

4.8/10

Lord K: I first experienced BR with the amazing “Against the grain”. They sound the same today. Actually, they sound exactly like they always did and I can’t help but dig it quite a bit. They got their style down to a T (is that how you put it and fuck does that mean anyways?). Calling this metal would be stretching it more than Van Damme’s split in “Bloodsport”, but catchy as hell and another enjoyable BR release is what we’re dealt. These guys are consistent as all kinds of shit. 8

Habakuk: Is anybody expecting anything from Bad Religion that strays but one iota from their formula? Their fans had better love this, for no-one else should care. 5

CadenZ: Happy up-tempo punk rock that’ll keep yer toe tappin’, yer spirits soarin’, and plaster a stupid smile on yer ugly face. 5

BamaHammer: Sweet! Trve North. I bet this is kvlt as… What the fuck? Punk sucks ass. 1

Sokaris: Good energy and performance but the whole thing seems pretty restrained. 5

Crashdïet: The savage playground

4.8/10

Lord K: I can dig what these Swedes do since they do it quite well. In their best moments they remind me of a prime Skid Row and in their worst they come across as any which one of the million of bands from the same era that no one ever gave one fuck about. 5

Habakuk: If you want to blame these guys for something, it’s playing 80s glam rock. But they do it damn well, and that singer is really, really good. 8

CadenZ: Ï thïnk thïs bänd cän sück ït. 3

BamaHammer: Why are there so many bands out there today who are trying to fit the musical demands of 1989? 3

Sokaris: These guys obviously spend more time on their image than their music but it’s not as bad as you’d think. I still wouldn’t recommend it to anyone with a lactose problem but it’s almost sort of kind of fun. 5

Hatriot: Heroes of origin

4.8/10

Lord K: So, the old Exodus guy brings in some of his kids into a band and starts to pummel away… The result? His trademark vocals are ace as always but the sterile production kills off a bit of the decent thrash metal that is displayed on “Heroes of origin”. And the band name is fucken retarded. 5

Habakuk: Unsurprisingly, this sounds like modern Exodus. What’s more interesting is that you can easily turn them into a hat riot. Tee hee. 6

CadenZ: When one of the worst production jobs this side of “St. Anger” meets one of the worst covers this side of this list, we get the debut album of the moronically baptized Souza family effort, Hatriot. “So what?! What about the music?!” you say. Believe me, it’s for your own good to not know more than you need to about this snoozefest. 2

BamaHammer: Thrash riffs from 1988 combined with one of the most annoying vocalists and monikers in thrash history. No thanks. 3

Sokaris: Zetro, that terrible pun you penned for Exodus was NOT good enough for a band name. Especially when it can be just as easily read “hat riot.” Pushing aside my second-hand embarrassment, I actually found a pretty damn decent thrash album. 8

Aerosmith: Music from another dimension!

4.0/10

Lord K: Aerosmith is only featured in AA becoz it’s a high profile release. And becoz they are not dead yet. That, and becoz we need something to end up last. But you know what, there’s no way I can can take too big a stab at Aerosmith since there’s no way it’ll be a bad fucken release per se. Let’s just say it’s not for me. This kind of rock shit is exactly what I was never into. Trivial at best, horrendous at worst. 4

Habakuk: What I remember about these guys is the annoying nasal vocals. Glad they’re mostly gone, but the rest is pretty… standard? 6

CadenZ: Aside from the funky “Out Go the Lights” and a couple of other highlights, Aerosmith barely escape from sounding like the Rolling Stones have done since their untimely inception: past their due date. 5

BamaHammer: This record features some of the worst guitar tones I’ve ever heard. And Steven Tyler has to be almost dead now, right? 3

Sokaris: Put these guys in the attic, they need a permanent vacation. I could Google their discography and make more insulting puns but I don’t think I have to spend that much time to convince this is dull, granddad rock. 2

Dead Reprise: Dystopia

3.8/10

Lord K: A bunch of Swedes in this edition to say the least, and among the competition I’d have to give Dead Reprise a nod for doing this by the book and doing it somewhat well. I usually despise this Hatebreedish kind of metal and you wouldn’t catch me listening to Dead Reprise (nor Hatebreed) were it not for Audio Autopsy. 5

Habakuk: This can be done much worse, see All Out War. But it’s still just metal-tinged tough guy hardcore. 6

CadenZ: This has been one of the most stupid records I’ve ever heard. No reprise for you! 2

BamaHammer: Exactly the kind of music that makes me want to stop listening to music. 2

Sokaris: Well, that was a short onethatswhatshesaid. Tough guy modernized hardcore, not as mouthbreath-y as most of their peers but still uninteresting and overly reliant on chugga-chugga filler parts. 4

Voivod: Target Earth

3.8/10

Lord K: I have had my band comrade Jörgen Sandström dressed in a Voivod shirt performing live with me. Safe to say, you’ll never see me wear one. 2

Habakuk: Dissonant thrash that sounds like nothing else. Still, my thing it is not. 6

CadenZ: This month we have been blessed with two of the worst cover images in the history of music. Hatriot and this. The music ain’t much better. Voi(vo)d of quality and brains. 2

BamaHammer: I thought they were dead. Seriously. In any event, I was never a fan. This album doesn’t change my opinion. 4

Sokaris: This one’s a tough listen, it definitely cries for a few spins but my general impression is that this is something for ‘void fans and few others. 5

Circle II Circle: Seasons will fall

3.6/10

Lord K: Circle Jerk II Circle Jerk would have been a better moniker. Beneath the poor production and the juvenile riffs we are left with absolute semi-metal crap and a fantastically irritating vocalist. Anyone seriously listen to this garbage and like it? You need help. 2

Habakuk: This bores me to tears. 5

CadenZ: Who likes Savatage? Yup, me too. Who likes Savatage with Zak Stevens on vocals? No? No. Well then, how’s this for an idea: let’s ditch Savatage and create a band centred around Zak’s characteristically flaccid voice!! Yeah!!!! 3

BamaHammer: Just II be honest, seasons will fall, and your band will fail. Just too boring. 4

Sokaris: I liked Zak in Savatage but here I’m just getting bored. Trying not II fall asleep… 4

Hatebreed: The divinity of purpose

3.6/10

Lord K: How fitting, first I hear Dead Reprise for this edition and then I get Hatebreed. Let’s just say that I like Dead Reprise better, simply becoz there are a few more obvious death metal hints in DR’s riffs. Hatebreed’s tough-guy metal is just annoying. 4

Habakuk: I’d love to see Hatebreed become less metal again, but the development over their last few albums makes me a little hopeless. STILL I’LL PERSEVERE DUN DUN DUNNN!!! 7

CadenZ: Soon to be 20 years in the business and Jasta still only knows one note. The wrong one. 3

BamaHammer: lolz. Hatebreed. 1

Sokaris: I haven’t heard any new Hatebreed material since 2002’s “Perseverance”, an album of positive personal anthems set to short, slightly metallic modern hardcore built around near constant breakdowning. I wonder how they’ve matured and progressed, where they’ve… oh wait. 3

Pink Cream 69: Ceremonial

3.4/10

Lord K: Seriously? 3

Habakuk: The next band with a “69” in their name will die. 4

CadenZ: Zzzzzzz… Zzzzzzz… Zzzzzz… ZZzzzzzz… Zzzzzzz… 3

BamaHammer: A vaginal discharge with a couple of good riffs and a glossy production. 4

Sokaris: Neutered power-less metal meets cock rock. And as far as retarded names go, these guys have a sort of opposite yet similar problem as Destroyer 666. 3

Mutiny Within: Synchronicity

3.0/10

Lord K: Modern metal until your cock explodes. 4

Habakuk: If you like your metalcore melod… yeah right. 5

CadenZ: If there indeed is mutiny within this genre, there’s finally a glimmer of hope in the horizon. 2

BamaHammer: The biggest Killswitch Engage fans on the face of the planet. 2

Sokaris: These guys being from New England is one of the least surprising things I’ve ever read. Of course. This is basically “metal” for people that just can’t get into that crazy death metal stuff like Trivium. You can put inoffensive distorted strumming and guitar licks in banal radio rock and guess what.. you still have banal radio rock. 2